Following relegation from the National League in 2016, Alty struggled to adapt to life in the Conference North (that’s the polite way of saying that they were shite), and suffered a second successive relegation at the end of last season.
Since then, club officials have been frantically trying to come up with ideas to reverse their slide down the leagues in the hope that they can avoid glamorous ties such as The Dog and Partridge on a Sunday morning.
After a few weeks of intense debate and research, the club are now set to reveal their plans ahead of the new season and we can bring you an exclusive insight in to this after speaking with a Club Official over the weekend.
Nobody at Altrincham Football Club is happy with our fall from grace – only two seasons ago were a poor National League side and now we find ourselves as a poor Northern Premier League outfit. This slump needs to stop and as such we have identified a really unique and exciting way how we can achieve this.
The idea came to us one evening whilst sat watching Benefits Britain at Ken McKellar’s house – there we were enjoying a superb feast of Aldi beans and some bread which Ken had kindly robbed from a little boy who was feeding the ducks, when out of nowhere the solution to all our problems appeared right before our eyes.
Within the commercial break an advert appeared for a new product called VIPoo which is designed to be a pre poo spray which combats the rancid elements of the offending articles before they are unleashed. After hearing their claim that it is “absolutely guaranteed to do what it is supposed to do”, we both looked at each other in amazement – safe in the knowledge that our prayers had been answered.
After saving up our benefits for three weeks, Ken and I rushed down to the local cash and carry to purchase three hundred crates of this magical liquid and transported them down to Moss Lane where the Groundsman was waiting for us in anticipation. We poured the liquid in to the water supply and set off the sprinklers to soak the pitch whilst we dreamt of what the next hour would bring.
When the pitch was completely covered we brought the First Team players in and after their kit received a quick spray for good measure, they were let loose on the pitch.
After ten minutes or so a quite remarkable thing occurred – players who had been absolute turd all season started to jog, jump to head the ball and even do kick ups – some of them even managed to do three in a row! It was truly a sight to behold and one which will remain with me until I am on my death bed.
The days of us getting hammered week in week out are now a thing of the past due to this miraculous product and we can now go it to the new season full of hope that we will pick up a few draws along the way at the very least.
We would like to thank the Alty Club Official for speaking to us about this unique development at Moss Lane, although he has understandably requested that we do not reveal his identity as he does not want to be bombarded with requests from fans asking to use the sprinklers to shower under.
We will, of course bring you any further developments we hear of regarding this or any other newsworthy features emanating from Moss Lane so make sure you check back here soon!